Lesbians, What's Up With You Guys?

This microblog is the gay friend you never had. All those crazy, semi-offensive, boring, gross questions you've had about lesbians and other sexy stuff? Answered here. Also, feel free to submit your own questions and our illustrious team of homo-scientists will research, science fair project and attempt to hilariously & erroneously answer you.

What would you do if your significant other became a Wiccan?

Sally:  First off all, I sincerely believe that all women have a “Wiccan” phase.  If you have a girlfriend who has turned Wiccan, then you just have a pretty average girlfriend.  Is she an earth witch, a water witch, which element is she identifying with?  Let this run it’s course.  

Can I also throw in a little anecdote about my first Wiccan experience?  I was probably about 12 and went to a New Year’s Eve party hosted by a witch, aptly named Tabitha.  NO JOKE.  We danced around a strobe light and she cast a few earth witch spells to make our crushes fall in love with us.  It was unsuccessful, it would be another three years before a boy would even hold my hand.  Tabitha, you are not a real witch.  You are a fraud.

However and yes this is a double standard, if your boyfriend becomes Wiccan, then leave him.  He is on a path the will take him down an Aleister Crowley path.  He’s in the occult and things will only get weirder.

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Mandisa: My witch phase came right after I saw The Craft. Holy shit, The Craft. Can we watch this at our next meeting?

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Remember when Sarah - played by Robin Tunney - turned her hair blonde with magic? That was so cool! And Rochelle just outright calls Nancy poor white trash? I didn’t know you could say that! And Nancy invoked the spirit and they called to the watchtowers of the North and all the whales washed up on the beach and…

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Wait. What was the question?

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We are the weirdos, mister.

So I was heavily into my witch/baby barette/tankini/daisy choker/sheer shirt/religious necklace phase and my mom forbade me to buy tarot cards, so I drew my own Major Arcana by hand. My mother found the deck and was impressed with my skills….this indirectly led me to art school, so…witch phase thumbs up!

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But there’s a big difference between every chick’s adolescent witch phase and actual Wicca, because Wicca is a religion, as legit of a religion as any other (sorry if you disagree but all religious tales are kind of cuckoo crazy). I’d be suspicious if my late-twenties girlfriend started showing a sudden interest in any religion. So I’d go to a meeting with her, check it out, make sure no one’s cuter than me…And then trust her and her new witch powers implicitly.

Voodoo doll

Consequences.

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Things that Make Me Feel Like a Bad Lesbian Part 1

Mandisa:

So I have a friend (a friend I met on OkCupid - long story) and our running joke is that she’s a really bad lesbian. Even worse than me, and I’m pretty bad at it. Except now she tells me that she’s really trans and is going to be an official ‘he’ pretty soon…so duh that’s why she was such a bad lesbian. Most straight dudes would make a bad lady-gay.

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Hahahahahaha - he’s not straight. I just like to use that photo as much as possible.

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That’s more like it.

Anyway.

Here are some of the feelings I have/things I do that make me feel like a really bad lesbian.

Gay Male Porn - What’s up with this? I know it’s this thing I keep hearing that other lesbians like gay guy porn too but why??? It’s very confusing to me. Confusing and sexy.

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Cindy Sherman - This is really really hard to admit but I don’t like her art. Not one bit. This not only makes me a bad lesbian, it makes me a bad East Coast design-school-educated feminist. And probably a bad New Yorker too. Listen - it’s just narcissitic okay? It smacks of the same squickiness I feel when I see that yet again Oprah’s on the cover of O magazine. Cindy: there are other people you can transform into New Jersey housewives and porno clowns.

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That’s exactly what I want to do when I view your art Cindy! You feel it too…


Tegan and Sara - I know who they are. They are adorable. I can’t tell them apart though. And I have never listened to any of their music because I am too busy listening to my SWV Pandora station. 

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Babies - I don’t like 'em. Maybe this is more about me being a bad woman.

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Hair - Symmetrical and no part of it is shaved. And it’s pretty long.

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Ogling - I’m sorry ladies…so sorry. I check you out like all day everyday can’t stop - damn. But at least I’m not a creepy dude about it, I know how to play it off like I just like your dress.

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Wow, I’m so glad I purged all that social anxiety all over you guys…So glad, that I’m going to do it again next week! Stay tuned.

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Wendy: Would you leave your significant other if they gained 50 lbs?

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Love and diabetes all in one heart-shaped package. Heart disease too. 

Sally:  Yes, I probably would leave them.  I’m sorry to be cruel, but yes most likely.  However I would stick it out with them as long as they are willing to try.  If they are willing to work on it then what the heck?  We all gain weight.  We all have weight fluctuations, hey, I’m in one right now, but there’s a cutoff point.  When you feel like your loved one has given up or doesn’t care how you see them then there needs to be some sort of discussion.  I’m all about body acceptance, but when you see a loved one medicating themselves with food or eating themselves to death then they need help.  This is a sign of a much larger problem.  Pun definitely intended.

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Devious bastards.


Mandisa: There is an uncomfortable scene in Supersize Me where our fearless journalist Morgan Spurlock (who has rapidly been gaining a tire around his waist eating only McDonald’s) is joined by his vegan chef girlfriend…and the look on her face is definitely grossed out. This look says “I know you’re doing this for your job but I don’t want to touch you and promise me PROMISE ME you’re headed to the gym right after this is over.”

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Anecdote aside, this is a tough question. I am also very much for body acceptance, and against fat shaming…growing up as a chubby-which-is-just-a-euphemism-for-fat girl, it sucks to be made to feel shitty about your weight because duh! I know what I look like, and I know I’m eating a donut. So sue me.

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Why is she in a weird old-timey washtub?

But as an adult person who finally realized that hey, this can’t be baby fat if I’m 28 and my largest, stretchiest pants don’t fit anymore so crap maybe I should stop eating 4x 500-calorie Crumbs cupcakes a week (TRUE STORY) - it would be really hard for me to stand by and watch someone I love destroy their health because I did that to myself for a long time. After making some overhauls to my situation I didn’t get skinny, just healthier and I think that’s what we should all strive for - the healthiest version of ourselves. Which isn’t any specific weight or look or whatever. And gaining 50 lbs all at once? Totally not healthy.

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So am I going to leave my lady for that? No, definitely not. Am I going to try and take her to the gym and make her healthy lunches? Yes. Because caring about someone means caring enough to stop them from self harm.

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And yes, I just finished watching an episode of Dr. Phil, why do you ask?

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Cartoon Characters that are super gay

Mandisa: Before our current era of PC-minded helicopter-parented ‘Heather Has Two Mommies’ kids, our littlest citizens had to learn about the 'mos in other, more underhanded ways.

The only chat my mother and I had about homosexuals is summed up by this quote “If you have your pick of stylists, always pick a gay man.”

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Lesbians were not mentioned.


So if you’re a kid in the twilight pre-80s time, how do you find out what gay means?

Looking back to my own short-person years, I realize that every kids show had a gay character! Was this writers just trying to educate us surreptitiously? Or are there just not enough personality types in the world, so they had to use 'fag’ without really going there?

To start my salute to the gay characters of the past we have to start with the most flagrantly stereotypically dykey, plaid-shirt wearing, femme-dominating, emasculating, sports star, chain-smoking cigarette-voiced cartoon child of them all.

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Peppermint Patty, you flagrant homosexual you.

Charles M. Schulz’s official party line on the inspiration for Patty is that “he had developed the Peppermint Patty persona in response to the burgeoning Women’s Liberation Movementthat was sparked in the latter half of the 1960s, and that he desired to create a character that defied gender stereotypes and embraced social norms that had yet to become fashionable.”

Um ok.

She was the first female character in the Charlie Brown comic strip to not wear a dress.

That haircut.

Her bestie calls her 'Sir’. WTF. No, seriously. WTF. This is never adequately explained.

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Anyway…Patty…total gay. Was Schulz winking at us? He was total besties with famous tennis-dyke Martina Navratilova.

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He knows what a progressive feminist looks like.


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Hey little lady

We’re coming for you guys soon…Until then, please enjoy this picture of a wee pussy licking a delicious cupcake:

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Mmmmmmm. Nothing sexual about that.

And then read up on all the powers a uterus has, besides making for damn sure that ‘legitimate’ rape doesn’t result in getting preggers - wow vaginas are special, according to Republican Senator Todd Akin. That’s why he wants to protect mine so badly.

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Ooo pretty.

Here are a couple of my faves:

  • A uterus that has come into the full realization of its powers can only be killed by the seventh son of a seventh son. However, he cannot be Jewish.
  • If trapped outside of a female body and unable to find food, a uterus is capable of living off of its own tissue for up to 80 days.
  • The more uteruses a woman can collect during her lifetime, the higher her status, and the more servants she will command, among the dead.
Oh wait - this is the only thing he thinks my vag is good for.
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Until tomorrow, fair readers!
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Things I’m thinking about today

Mandisa:

Here are some random musings from this humpless hump day…

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Kanye West released a song dedicated to his lady called ‘Perfect Bitch’.

Apparently she has a nickname for him too…my Prince. Hmm.

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I think this photo clearly illustrates why every time I start watching the Real L Word I start thinking about how much I want a new tattoo. And also, what do my dreads look like from the back?

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Half Drag Queen/half man!

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Rodolfo Loaiza knows EXACTLY what a girl wants. Why is this image so mesmerizing??

Autostraddle (I <3 you Autostraddle duh) raises a ton of money really fast to upgrade their site and also publishes this great story about how the South can make you super gay.

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Read this adorbs piece of fluff  in Slate about what happens when you date someone with your name, a.k.a. doubt this will ever be a problem for me #homoproblems.

Back to writing Sarah Waters fan fiction…

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Personal Issues: Why Do I Like Talking to Weirdos on the Internet? Sally: Alright before we get into this I must first say that I do not solicit these weirdos they solicit me. And BTW, my profile pic is not particularly provocative unless you are a...

Personal Issues:  Why Do I Like Talking to Weirdos on the Internet?

Sally: Alright before we get into this I must first say that I do not solicit these weirdos they solicit me.  And BTW, my profile pic is not particularly provocative unless you are a soft serve fetishist.  I lied, biting an ice cream cone like a chicken wing is probably extremely erotic to many Facebook usersespecially those with fake profiles.

Why do I like talking to weirdos on the internet?  Without looking too deep, it’s because I know they are going to say some crazy shit.  It’s fine to say that you, “like doing lesbian”, ahem, see screen shot above, but telling me you love me is crazy.  Or if you’re some sexy widower (who most likely stole his photo from a JCPenney catalog) and looking for love in all the stupidest places, do not message me.  

Err, actually do message me because I love it.  A weird message in your FB inbox is like catching a shooting star of horribleness.  It’s exciting, but then you realize this person is probably trying to rape/murder/eat me.  I can engage them, but not too much.  Or again I will probably end up raped/murdered/eaten or some sort of combo of all three.  Do not want.  No.

But weirdos of the internet, tell me why do you do what you do?  Do your horrible messages actually work on other forums besides Craigslist?  What is the success rate?  Do you realize this is actually sexual harassment, but done in such a pathetic way I can’t help but laugh?  Tell me or I will send you horrible messages on Facebook.

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Hey Chick-Fil-A! Thanks fuckers…
 I will preface this by saying that I’m pretty damned gay, but I wish this kerfuffle over the homophobe running Chick-Fil-A would go away.
If you haven’t heard about it (because you’ve been spending a large amount of time under a rock), the Fundamentalist Christian founder of Chick Fil-A is (surprise!) unapologetic about the bags of money he ships off to anti-gay organizations every year. And (surprise again!) he doesn’t think gay people should be allowed to get married. Because it’s not ‘biblical’ marriage.
surly teen jesus
Eye roll Jesus says: “Whatever.” Kind of busy dying for sins over here.

Side note: Does everyone remember that 'biblical’ marriage is not in fact between one man and one woman, but definitely between one man and a shit ton of women?
wait til I tell the secret wives at home
That’s a-ok with this presidential candidate.
I’m going to confess that even though I pretty successfully gave up most fast food last year, there was always a deep yearning in my heart-stomach for that delicious gay bashing chicken from Chick-Fil-A. It was my Everest, my Eve in the garden. Only two things saved me from a chick'n overdose:
  1. No real Chick-Fil-A in NY
  2. They’re closed on Sunday, so every time I go home to visit my mom that yummy intolerant poultry is not for sale
But now! I’ve finally been broken of my habit. Seeing all those black church people chowing down on chicken in the house of the Lord was enough to make want to retroactively throw up all the sandwiches and waffle fries and nuggets I’ve furtively consumed every holiday. So thanks Dan Cathy for keeping me out of obesity.
pot meet kettle
Only white straight people can sit at this food counter!
Can we stop talking about this now though? Apparently Chick Fil-A is making mucho $ out of all this publicity. And honestly, this idotic homophobe who should have just stuck to making kickass chicken sandwiches, shut his mouth, and hello! write a personal check for all your hate-mongering - duh then no one knows what you spend your money on - has a right to be an idiot. There I said it. He sucks and we (as an LGBTQ and supporting cast of straights community) should totally not support his suckiness anymore. We’ll all be the healthier for it. But why keep talking about it? We’re like that girl who got stood up for a date by a douchebag. He’s a douche! Just forget about him.
Loves chicken, hates drama
So thanks Chick Fil-A - for saving me money, calories, fat grams and providing all my gay news aggregate websites with fodder for weeks. Now I’m going to forget you like I forget to water my plants and pay my bills on time.
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Tara Asks: It’s fucking hot. Would you ever sleep with someone you didn’t like just to bask in air conditioning? Sally: This question leads to a much bigger question: what would you fuck for? What will you pleasurably prostitute yourself for or as...

Tara Asks:  It’s fucking hot.  Would you ever sleep with someone you didn’t like just to bask in air conditioning?

Sally: This question leads to a much bigger question: what would you fuck for?  What will you pleasurably prostitute yourself for or as Mandisa calls it, “The Hotel Question”.  Whether it be a queen sized bed, cable, a/c, or even something as simple as garbage fries, there must be something you will spread your legs for.  Oh garbage fries.

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In other words, yes, yes I would.  I’m fortunate that I have my own air conditioning, but if I didn’t I would stand on the side of the highway with a sign that says, “WILL HUMP FOR A/C, handjobs for a box fan”.  But for me if I had to pick something, anything I would probably choose access to a really nice apartment.  I want it all, not just a/c and a nice bed, but I want to see modern furniture, art (that they bought, that they bought with their own money), and a fully stocked kitchen.  Or maybe a car?  Yeaaaaa, a man who can give me a ride in this city from Ikea to my place is priceless.  But seriously this is a one time deal.  Horrible sexual chemistry can not be tolerated for too long.  Eventually the chore of sleeping with this person will outweigh the nice bathroom you can poop in. 

Mandisa: I’m going to go with no on this one. Wow, a couple weeks apart and look at us disagreeing! No more nay or meh for us because we have different opinions on stuff now!

Anyway. I love AC like any other girl so I have my own AC. I’ve taken a lot of time to make my apartment as livable as possible - here are some of my amenities:

  1. I live alone.
  2. If you like cats, I’ve got one of those.
  3. Queen-size pillow top mattress because after we’re done sexin’ I need you to roll on over to your side of the bed. Sorry.image
  4. The aforementioned AC.image
  5. Cable TV
  6. Yes, I said cable. Seriously. image
  7. I’ve usually got some sort of alcohol on hand. Because I don’t have a roommate to drink it all. 

Basically, I’m the one that gets slept with for my AC/Cable whatever and I’m okay with that. I’d rather when the shameful business is all done that the chick goes home to her sweaty loft and 10 roommates and I remain in my iceberg of a bedroom wearing only underpants.

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Summer Hiatus is over!!!!!!!

…Hopefully!

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Mandisa:

We haven’t actually been lazy this time, we’ve been super busy. Sally found herself an awesome roommate, and I’ve been working like a mo fo putting sparkly stuff all over tee shirts for ladies who retire to Florida - yes that’s my job and yes I know you’re jealous. Anywho…

We’re back! So get ready for more of us musing on everyday stuff - gay stuff, sexy times, relationships, straight stuff that still baffles me, Sally’s memories from the past that haunt her today, why I currently hate all women that aren’t my mom or Sally, why I still want to sleep with women even though I hate them, blah blah blah life. And send us questions!!! Jeeze, we’ll answer them, we swear!

xo Sally & Mandisa

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